As promised, after a long hiatus A and I are back with our Award Show Red Carpet Fashion Break-down. I know you missed us. I also know we missed us. So, whether you missed us or not, we're doing it! And though it will be abbreviated this go-around thanks to our busy weeks (why isn't anyone paying us to do this yet??!!), we will not scrimp on the judgment! We promise!
And with that, here we go. Starting with the Worst of the Red Carpet (saving the best for last and attempting to end on a positive note... isn't that everyone's New Year's Resolution every year?).
This year we're breaking our break-down into categories. Enjoy.
CATEGORY: Trying Too Hard (these ones are almost too obvious, though I must say, I'm pretty impressed that we didn't drop Lea Michele in here this year. I guess she didn't try too hard-enough? Or maybe we don't have to talk about her because she falls into a special category: Trying Too Hard Chronic Offenders, aka, Goes Without Saying.)
M: Wow. You can pose. I had no idea. now please put your always-trying-too-hard ladybits away and just know that you're pretty, so you can just wear a normal pretty dress. You're welcome for the tip, by the way. My styling tips are free of charge these days. (I will admit the back of this dress was really lovely. If only the front weren't TRYING SO FREAKING HARD):
A: I physically wretched upon seeing her on the carpet because I am so over this slit-up-to-the-hip-stick-out-your-leg-so-that-it-gets-its-own-Twitter-account look. I loved the back. LOVED IT. I also think her hair was too severe for the severe dress. #overit
J.Lo (though, to be fair to Lea Michele, she is also a Chronic Offender...)
M: You're naked. That's basically all there is to say about this. Except for maybe that if this were on ANYONE else, I'd probably really like it. But since it's J.Lo, all I can see is the look-at-me-I'm-still-freaking-amazing-looking nonsense. Also, this is the best trying-too-hard image ever, is it not?
A: I am sick of JLo being naked. It was way cool when you were naked in that green Versace dress, on the arm of Puff Daddy back in 2000. So cool, it was historic. Thirteen--YES THIRTEEN--years later, get over it. You're hot, you know it, we all know it, and we're sick of it.
M: BLERG. Stop this already. I can't even. I just... I just can't.
A: Seriously I am pretty sure we could do one of those animated photos where we could flip through all of Halle's dresses in the past fifteen years and they all would superimpose PERFECTLY onto this pose. Again. ENOUGH WITH THE HIP SLIP TWITTER ACCOUNT LEG ladies!
CATEGORY: Boob Fail
M: Not the best of images, but I had to find the side-by-side of the full dress and the boob-shot. Because. Well, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?? I don't get it. At all. What woman puts this dress on and doesn't immediately ask "What the F is up with the boobs?!" I guess Jennifer Lawrence is that woman.
A: The color of this was so lovely, looking so great with her skin and then that awful boob catastrophe. What is going on there?! Trust me girl - your boobs will sag in enough time - don't try to get them there ahead of time!
M: And here is sweet little Sarah Hyland, who appears to believe she can compete with co-star Sofia Vergara in the Va-Va-Voom category. Newsflash. Vergara wins every time. Rein those puppies in, young starlet. And try teasing your hair a bit less. You're so age-appropriately cute usually!
A: She reminds me so much of a porn star Morticia Adams. This dress was WAY too old for her.
M: A and I are not necessarily in agreement here, but I'll explain. I just think she looks... sloppy. I mean, just look at that posture! Clearly a bra wouldn't easily work with this dress, fine. But do something. Pasties? Her Globes just look a bit saggy, methinks. And while we're at it, I give her a second ding for styling. Her hair looks boring, and wouldn't a rad pendant have done wonders for that plunging neckline? She looks fine, just kind of boring and sloppy overall (to repeat myself).
A: So... given that this is Kristen Wiig, who has been known to fail tremendously on the red carpet, I thought this dress was a step in the right direction for her, although I was wanting the boob seam to be moved up to accomodate her small chest. It looks like the dress was made for someone with more of a rack and a good tailor could have fixed that. I like the keyhole though.
CATEGORY: Styling Fail
M: GAH! Okay, pretty pretty dress, right? So WTF went wrong with the makeup?!
A: WHY is this oxblood lipstick in? I have not seen one person where it looks good. BLECK BLECK.
Amy Poehler's Red Carpet Look
M: To be clear--I LIKED HER SUIT A LOT. It's the shoes. My 1998 prom called. It wanted to thank Amy Poehler for bringing it back to the party.
A: Those shoes are TERRIBLE. This was so cute and fun next to Tina Fey's uber feminine red carpet dress until the shoe cam arrived.
M: What the what with the schlumpy styling already? This looks like an old prom dress from the Salvation Army (sorry) in that it's just a bit baggy and saggy. And the giant chunky pearls? ZOOEY!
A: Way too many pleats and why was this not ironed?! WHY? I don't get it. The color is great on her - could have been so much better.
CATEGORY: Color Fail
M: This dress is LITERALLY the exact color of her skin tone. So this is actually also LITERALLY a color fail. A veritable failure of color. So at least pop it with bright jewelry or a clutch, right?!
A: RIGHT! The fit was so incredible - I mean she has such an amazing body. Why did it have to be this color?
M: Oy. First of all, sorry, but what are you doing here? Second of all, your hair! Third of all, thanks to this neon puce-colored gown, everyone a) noticed you, and b) is also wondering what you were doing there.
A: Really...why were the gymnasts there? I didn't get it. Besides the bad hair and bad color, I did not like that the dress was all wonky across the bust and appeared to be too big for her. Was there a form holding it up inside?!
CATEGORY: Fabric or Fit Fail
M: I love everything about this (and her) from the thigh up. And then--huh??
A: Yes. The thigh-down part confuses me greatly. The bow belt put this a little too into the "sweet" category for me. I think if Sarah Hyland would have been wearing this, it would have been better, from the thigh up of course.
M: Again, everything else works. It's just the dress... what's happening in the middle there? And are those bedazzled bees attacking her neckline? Her skin looks amazing, though.
A: They were bees. BUZZ OFF.
M: There's something so strange about this fabric, isn't there? Also, the candy-colored textured bits are almost too young. Was Ariel trying to youngify her look following that weird boyfriend-mom scandal last year? I hate to go there. Sorry. It's just such an odd choice. And that headband's ridiculous.
A: This is just not a Golden Globes dress. I think it would have been ok at a wedding or something but come on! It's the Golden Globes! That headband is atrocious.
Tina Fey's Red Carpet Dress
M: Fit. Fit. Fit. Length. Boobs. Fit. Blerg. (She looked GREAT on stage, though.)
A: Ditto. (Love her hair, though.)
M: This is not an OR qualifier in this category. It's an AND. Fabric AND Fit Fail. First of all, no one looks good in a mock turtleneck. I'm not sure why, but the idea of a mock turtleneck conjures an image of Maury Povich in my mind's eye. (Does he wear mock turtlenecks??) Also, this looks so heavy! And it's clinging everywhere. It makes her look like she has a poochy tummy, which I'm willing to wager she does not. I kind of love the long sleeves, though. And the chain-mail color is bold and confident. But FABRIC AND FIT FAIL.
A: I LOVE a good sequin, don't get me wrong. But this was the absolutely WORST sequin look out there. First of all, the fit was terrible - wear some spanx or something to smooth yourself out before donning head-to-toe clingy sequins. Second of all, head to toe, fingertip to fingertip sequins may be a bit much... even for me.
M: As we can all tell from this photo, I'm pretty sure Jessica also knows this dress doesn't fit her.
A: Too much fabric! That draping bust is not flattering and this is too long and too bulky in places. With some tailoring, it could have been beautiful.
M: Gosh, she is just so so pretty. It seems her stylist agrees, and is evil and jealous of her beauty, which is the only explanation I can come up with for why she's wearing this oddly pieced-together combination of old lady curtains and grandma's doilies, pinned at the top by grandpa's tie clip. What other explanation could there be? Let's take a gander at the close-up of that curious bodice:
What-huh?! Also, I see your boobies.
A: I actually think she looks a little like an alien, but maybe I'm jealous too?! I agree with you - the color washes her out and the dress itself is just an odd-mishmash. I don't like when the hair, skin, makeup and dress are all the same color. I need some contrast - it's the drama queen in me!
FINAL CATEGORY: Worst of the Worst
Who could it be? Let the fines fall the other way this year... the worst of the worst is Fashion Police's own GIULIANA RANCIC!
M: I actually HATE this whole look. Hate it. And as I texted to A on Sunday night, I'm pretty sure if some other star were wearing this look, they would have had a field day tearing her to bits on Fashion Police. I bet it was killing Joan Rivers that she couldn't rip her a new one for this disaster. Worth noting, Giuliana loves this high neckline (last year she did it twice: here, and also here). But girl, this one did you zero favors. It in fact failed you in every category. Shall we? Trying To Hard: check! Boobs: check! Styling: look at the hair! check!
Color: black + lace = overdone, so, check! Fabric and/or Fit: again, look at this close-up... the neck is essentially choking her.
So for me this is a no-brainer. Giuliana is the Worst of the Golden Globes Red Carpet Worsts.
A: WORD! I do not know that there is that much left to say except that she looks like a real life Bobblehead.